


Pretending

by Sylv



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-03
Updated: 2012-12-03
Packaged: 2017-11-20 05:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/581549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylv/pseuds/Sylv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Azula doesn't know why Zuko makes her do the things that she does, but she knows there has to be a reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pretending

Night. I had always loved night. It was completely against my nature as a firebender, and it was very, very different from when the sun was out during the day. I told myself I was acting like a stupid little waterbender, but nothing worked to make me love the day as I did the night. But I knew why.

Zuko. At night, I got to see Zuko. I got to crawl into his bed, and have him hug me, and be the older brother that I loved to see. Zuko was always really smart, and he knew things. He told me things, and I always knew that he was right. So I listened to him, even though many times I didn't want to.

Zuko used to come into my room and stay there, but as I got older, I got used to waking up in the middle of the night and finding my way to my brother's rooms. I did it every night. Then, in the morning, he would walk me back to my room and hug me before leaving.

In the day it was what our parents wanted, always. I did what my father expected of me, because he liked me best, and Zuko always did what mother expected. Even when we were alone, we acted, knowing that in our palace the walls had ears. Only at night could we be ourselves.

"Zuko," I whispered into the night, snuggling into my older brother's arms. "Why doesn't mom like me?" I asked.

Zuko didn't answer right away. I could tell that he was thinking about how much he should give away. I was only four, after all. "I don't know." He finally replied. He was lying and I knew it.

"No!" I whispered fiercely, turning away from him. I hated it when he lied to me, it hurt me deeply.

"Azula!" Zuko hugged me closer, as though desperate for my sisterly love. "I can't tell you that, you know I can't! Every time, every time you ask me, I tell you the same thing."

"I'll tell you when you're older." I muttered, holding the red silk covers tightly, still not facing him. I didn't like the answer, although I knew it was a promise that would be kept. Zuko didn't break his promises.

"Yes." He told me quietly. "And I will. You know I will."

"I know…" I whispered. I turned back to him, and saw his golden eyes glinting in the starlight. My eyes drifted to the open window, and I fell asleep, feeling safe with Zuko's arms around me.

Zuko stayed awake, thinking. He knew too much, too much for someone who was only five. The prince had to deal with it every day, and he did, but the strain was starting to tell. But Zuko would deal with it. He had to. For me.

"Azula wake up!" Zuko hissed, shaking me. I opened my eyes blearily, to see him staring down at me. He smiled when he saw that I was awake. "Come on, you have to go to your room now."

"No, I don't want to go." I protested, pulling the covers up to my chin.

"You'll get in trouble!" The only time Zuko's voice got sincerely hard towards me was when he talked about me getting in trouble. Even though I know he did it for me, it always scared me, and I shrunk back, hating the look in his eyes.

Zuko must have noticed this, for he took a deep breath and smiled at me. "Please? I'll walk you to your room, okay?" I nodded and slipped out of the bed.

We padded softly down the large hallways. I held Zuko's hand. He kept looking around nervously, and hurried me along more when we passed a window and saw that the sun had almost risen. It was staining the sky all sorts of different colors, from deep blue to bright orange. I pulled him back, not understanding his reasons, but knowing that it had to be done. I wanted to cherish every moment I had with my brother, because they were so few, at least to me.

In my room, I hung back by the doorway. It was like this every morning. Zuko sighed and picked me up, carrying my carefully to my bed and dumping me there. I giggled and pushed him. He smiled down at me, but it didn't reach his eyes. They were watching the sun.

He bent down and hugged me. I listened to his words, his breath hot on my ear. It sent shivers down my spine, but not unpleasant ones.

"I love you, Azula,"

And I loved him too.

\-------------------------------------------

We were playing, and I was being Azula. I had gotten so good at it, that it almost wasn't pretend anymore. But I held myself over that cliff. I balanced myself on the edge, because I knew that once I stepped over, I wouldn't be able to come back.

Zuko was with our mother, like he always was. He had gotten so good at our façade that I myself wondering if he really did hate me sometimes. But then night would come, and we would sit in our little nook in the middle of both of our rooms, and talk, since we had both outgrown being in each other's beds.

He walked by, and I kept up my play. In my sweetest voice I looked up angelically at our mother, "Mom, can you make Zuko play with us? We're playing a game, and we need four people for the teams."

Zuko glared at me. "I am not cart-wheeling!"

I glared back, crossing my arms and saying in a much harder voice. "You won't have to. Cart-wheeling's not a game. Dumb-dumb," I added quietly, for good measure.

"I don't care!" Came his retort, leaning over the railing. I could feel Mai and Ty Lee's eyes pounding a dent in the back of my head, but coolly brushed that knowledge off. I couldn't mess any of this up. "I don't want to play with you!"

Mom said that she thought it was a great idea and he should play with us. I explained the game to them and set the apple on top of Mai's head on fire. I watched with "satisfaction" when Zuko knocked her over trying to get it off. They fell into the fountain behind them.

"See!" I giggled to Ty Lee, standing above the two of them, who were piled on top of each other. "I told you it would work!"

"Awww!" exclaimed my gymnast friend. "They're  _so_ cute together!"

Zuko stood up and stormed off. I barely heard it when Mai complained about us, watching Zuko carefully. Mom came out and he threw his arms up in the air. "Girls are crazy!"

My heart sank as I watched them both walk inside. Mom disappeared behind a door, but for a moment, just before my brother closed it, he nodded to me, the smallest smile possible gracing his lips.

I turned to my friends with a smile on my own face, and we began to climb trees, to see who could get the highest.

\-------------------------------------------

I walked into the throne room, watching my father carefully, surrounded by his flames. He sat there, waiting for me to come closer. I reached the middle of the large room and bowed low, not looking up at him.

"You did well in your presentation today. The officers were very impressed. And I have the submission of two prisoners to become spies. You are becoming a very valuable aid to me, Azula. A real firebending prodigy."

I had straightened up when my father had started talking, and I felt my pride swell when he praised me, because the Fire Lord did not give compliments lightly. In fact, he did so rarely. It was usually more of a "That's it?"

"Azula. You are my daughter, soon the heir of the throne. But I have seen you with… Zuko… many times. He will only bring you down. What have you been doing with him?" now his voice had an iron ring to it. I brushed off the comment about being the heir to the throne instead of Zuko, not really hearing it, and stood my ground telling him the truth. The truth that I told everyone else.

"Father, I do not miss a chance to show him that I am better than he is. He loses heart, and I'm sure that it will be easier to…" I trailed off, feeling my blood turn cold that I had almost let slip something that Zuko had accidentally told me once, if only vaguely. I closed my mouth and looked up at him.

He stared at me intensely, and finally said, "Very well. You must be the firebending prodigy that everyone thinks you are. Do not give them reason to think that you are playing a game. You must frighten them into obeying, especially our family." He didn't add anything about why, but that wasn't unusual. The Fire Lord didn't tell you anything that he felt you didn't need to know.

"Yes, father," I replied. His flames rose higher for some reason, and his voice rumbled around the chamber. I could feel the vibrations in the floor, shaking my body. The power surprised me.

"Dismissed,"

As I walked out of the room I was pulled by my arm behind a curtain, one that I had pulled Zuko behind years before, when listening to our father and our grandfather speaking.

My brother pulled me close, putting a hand over my mouth to stop me from exclaiming loudly. If it had been anyone else I would have tried to burn their head off by now. He whispered fiercely to me, and the power in it could rival our father's.

" _What did he want to talk to you about?_ "

I pulled away from him, glaring. "Just about my firebending and stuff." I evaded the true question, and tried to escape, but he pulled me back, too smart to accept that as an answer.

" _Tell me_ Azula!" his eleven-year-old eyes flashed, and I could have sworn to see some real anger in them, rage that could sizzle anything to a crisp within seconds. Such a rage I had not seen from my brother, especially directed to me. "I need to know! Uncle-"

"Uncle?" I asked, backing up into the wall. "What's he got to do with this? He's a stupid, tea-obsessed, jealous old man." I had never really liked my Uncle Iroh, but Zuko had always been taken with him in a way that I couldn't understand.

"Azula!" He brought his hands up, and they were in fists. "Don't talk about our uncle like that!" he didn't say any more, and I couldn't help noticing similarities between him and our father.

My rebelliousness rose up in my chest. "I'll talk about him any way I want!" I snapped, heading for the opening so that I could go practice my firebending some more. "You can't boss me around anymore!"

And I sprinted away from him, leaving Zuko staring at me coldly. As I thought about our latest argument, I realized something.  _"You can't boss me around anymore!"_

Then why did I still  _act_  like I hated him?

\-------------------------------------------

It was night again, and I marched into Zuko's room. Fresh in my mind was our conversations in his bed when I was little. I still woke up in the middle of the night, but I always remembered that I didn't go into his room anymore. This time, I did.

"Zuko!" I snarled. "I want answers!" I threw myself onto his bed.

Zuko opened his eyes slowly. He had been meditating on his bed, and I saw the small flames in his hands go out as he focused his attention on me. He turned to me and gave me his full attention, remaining calm as I worked myself into a temper.

"Every time, every time, I get the same answer." I cried, clenching my fists and meeting his stare for an equally strong one. " _When you're older, Azula._ " I mimicked. "I'm older now, and I want to know. Everything that you didn't tell me before. I'm eleven, Zuko, and I can know now!"

He blinked and didn't say anything for a whole minute. I could feel my temperature rising, and I was about to explode at him when he said, "What do you want to know?"

That wasn't the answer I had been expecting at all, so I was momentarily lost for words. But then I found my tongue, and many things came pouring out of my mouth.

"Why mom doesn't like me? Why father hates you? Why you know things I don't, why we have to act, why uncle doesn't like me? Why I have to be someone that I'm not _every single day_?"

Zuko sighed. He shook his head slowly. "I can't tell you those things, Azula. I'm sorry." And he closed his eyes again to begin meditating as though that settled things.

From my point of view, that was definitely  _not_ the end of the story. "I want to know why, Zuko! There are reasons for everything, and I want to know why! Tell me Zuko, tell me now!" I could feel electricity crackling around my being and it made me braver; I had gotten a small, blue flame just weeks ago, and it had developed into a tiny lightning bolt. Zuko hadn't been able to do that yet.

My brother studied me. I was much more serious about this than ever before, much more insistent. I smiled on the inside, and could tell that I was going to get some answers.

"No," said Zuko, more firmly. My face fell; I had  _thought_  I was getting answers.

"Tell me, Zuko,"

"No,"

"Tell me!"

"No!"

"Gods, Zuko, just tell me already!"

"I can't Azula!" He yelled, finally losing his cool. My older brother moved so that his face was right in front of mine. His voice grew dangerously quiet, and his next words chilled me. "You have no idea. I can't tell you Azula."

I left, slamming his door behind me. That was not what I had wanted to hear, and I still didn't have any answers. He was much more stubborn than I had bargained on; it had seemed like I could surpass him in anything lately, but he could keep his secrets.

\-------------------------------------------

"Azula!"

I looked around, coming from Mai and Ty Lee. There was no one there, but when that happened it always meant that it was Zuko. He never tried to talk to me out of his mask during the day, so it was something important. I didn't want to talk to him, and keep my eyes glued to the floor of our home.

I felt myself pulled behind a curtain; Zuko's favorite hiding place, it seemed. He faced me, and I tapped my foot. "Zuko, I'm a little busy right now." I told him, even though it wasn't true.

"No, you're not," he replied simply, flinging his now long hair over his shoulder. His eyes, the most expressive part of his face, were dark, and they scared me, even though I wouldn't admit it. I didn't get scared anymore.

"What do you want?" I was going to ask, but Zuko starting talking without a prompting from me, something that didn't happen that often.

"Azula, something is going to happen to me. I can't talk to you about it right now, but it's going to happen. Really soon. I wanted to tell you so that you wouldn't be surprised when it happened. Don't worry about me; I'll be fine. Just… just play the game, okay?"

He started to leave, but I ran forward and hung onto his arm, looking up into his face. "Now, Zuko?" He knew what I was talking about.

"No, Azula," he said quietly, trying to leave again but I held him there.

"Why?" I whispered. "Why do I have to pretend?"

The prince looked at me for a moment. Then he questioned me back instead of an answer. "Who says it's pretending anymore?"

I was so surprised that I let go of his arm. He slipped out of the curtain before I could regain control of my body, and I just stood there. What was he talking about? Of course I was pretending to hate him… wasn't I?

I thought back, looking at all the years past. Yes, it was faking in the beginning. Always what mom and dad wanted. But then pretending grew easier and easier. It became second nature, something that I would automatically do. But in these past few years I found myself actually not wanting Zuko there, not wanting to talk to him, and getting into more fights with him.

I walked quickly, my own eyes flashing in the sunlight. I had to get somewhere where things made sense, and I could only think to show my father the new move with blue fire that I had learned only yesterday…

\-------------------------------------------

I saw his face tighten with fear as he faced our father. He got to his knees and begged, pleaded. He was crying, telling him how he had just been trying to think of what was best for the country.

The Fire Lord told him harshly that he would fight, and when he didn't, called it treason and got ready to brand him, mark him with something that would never go away.

I was horrified yet fascinated at the same time. I couldn't tear my eyes away as I saw Uncle Iroh do next to me. On the other side of him, Zhao was watching with a hungry expression on his face. I quickly schooled my features into one of wicked anticipation and raised my fist as though wishing it was I who was scarring him.

His scream… it would haunt my worst nightmares for years to come, and I would wake up in the night screaming, thinking about this day. I watched him cry out, falling over. A smell of burning, searing flesh filled the room, and it made my stomach heave. A collective yet silent gasp ran around the Agni Kai chamber. I stared at Zuko and his eyes met mine.

"This disgrace of a prince will be banished until he finds the Avatar. Only then may he return with his honor." The Fire Lord announced, looking down in disgust at his son.

Zhao openly laughed. Iroh's eyes filled with anger, knowing that finding the Avatar was a fruitless search. I just watched my brother whose eyes never left mine. I backed up a step.  _How did he know?_

\-------------------------------------------

I walked into the empty room and saw my brother there, a bandage carefully around the left side of his face. I sprinted up to him, but stopped short, unwilling to shelve my pride and throw my arms around him.

I could tell that my brother was trying not to flinch; the wound would be extremely sensitive and hurt constantly for a while since it was right after the attack had happened. He was hiding from me, being strong. We had to, because Fire Nation royalty wasn't weak because of anything, even if they were banished.

"Answers Azula," Zuko said quickly, standing up and holding me tightly by the sides of my arms, wincing at the same time. I looked up at him, astonished and trying not to stare at the white wrapping. Was he finally going to tell me what I had wanted to know for more than eight years?

"You have to pretend to hate me because it will turn into real hate. Mom and dad have favorites, you because you're powerful, me because dad didn't like me when I was born. I can't tell you about why mom hates you and dad hates me," Zuko took a deep breath and continued at the same fast pace. "I…" he looked at me, seeing me somehow in a way that he had never before. "I can't tell you anything else."

"But-"

"No Azula, don't say anything," he put a warm hand on my lips, and I stopped. "I'm banished to look for the Avatar. Uncle wanted to stick up for me, and father said that if he agreed with me, than he should go with me. So uncle and I are leaving soon. I had to tell you these things first, especially this."

"You have to hate me Azula. Hate me with all your might. Believe whatever dad says, and don't think about it from my point of view. I'll convince myself the same way, that I have to regain my honor and such."

"I don't want to, Zuko! I don't care, you… you have a scar now…" He probably wouldn't have an eyebrow, and his left eye wouldn't work properly. Also, Zuko's hearing would most likely be impaired.

I was interrupted again. "But I do Azula. You don't understand, but I do. Do this Azula. Do it."

"O- okay…"

"Promise me, Azula."

"Zuko-"

"Promise me!"

"I promise," I relented. Zuko let go of my arms, and stood back. He nodded to me and left the room, taking long strides, almost running but not quite. I watched him go, and couldn't help thinking to myself,

_I will hate him… won't I..._


	2. Wondering

_She stood next to her father's throne, staring out at the Fire Nation citizens that were milling in the crowd. Generals and nobles and people of the like were talking of important matters, such as the latest Fire Nation victory, or the fashions of the royal court nowadays._

" _Father, may I take my leave? This business is tiring me," to her surprise, her voice came out old and cracked, like her grandfather's had been before he had "died"._

" _No!" was the harsh reply. "You must stay and find a husband; only then can Zuko throw you into the dungeons."_

" _But father!" she protested, falling to her knees in front of him. "I thought I was going to ascend to the throne when you died!" her weak, soft voice infuriated her, but she could do nothing about it._

" _You speak of me dying?! Treason! Guards, an execution immediately!" The Fire Lord thundered, standing up, the flames raging higher around his shadowy form._

_The princess watched as her father turned into her uncle, who looked at her with pitying eyes. He quickly became Lu Ten, who shook his head, disappointed. "I always told Zuko it was a bad idea…" his voice was faint, as though speaking through a glass wall._

_And she was watching her brother being burned by their father. He screamed as the flames hit his face, marring his beautiful features forevermore. But suddenly, she was screaming, she was the one who was feeling the flesh peeling off of her face, blinded in her left eye for now._

_Zuko now stood in front of her, blue lightning growing from his two extended fingers, index and middle. His gold eyes held much more emotion than she could have ever imagined, and she felt herself dropping to her knees in front of him._

" _You'll never get to know, Azula…" his voice was mournful, sorrowful, and he spoke as though he had seen things that she couldn't even imagine._

_Through a mist behind him she could see her two friends, Mai and Ty Lee, standing uneasily. "Save us, Azula!" they cried, before crumpling into heaps of dust._

_The fog swirled and formed her mother. She looked at her sternly. "Clean your brother's shoes, Azula. And what have I told you about frightening him? He's delicate, and you're a monster!" she scornfully kicked her daughter away._

_A six-year-old Zuko was sitting in his bed, looking at his sister. His arms reached out for her, begging, pleading for a hug. "Whatever they want, Azula…"_

The first thing that she noticed, even before she knew that she was awake, was that there were tears on her face.

Azula realized that she  _was_  awake and staring at the ceiling of her sizable rooms with something uncomfortable at her back. She angrily wiped away the tears, and sat up, eyes meeting the top of her bed. She must have been thrashing around in her sleep and fallen off. That would explain the blankets tangled around her body, and the sweat coating her skin, making her glisten, and shiver when cold air touched her.

The princess stood up and sat down on her bed, thinking. Everything had been explained, because she could explain everything in her life. But the dream brought forth questions that she tried not to think about as she went around trying to capture the two traitors in her life, her brother and her uncle.

The questions were ones that had been frequently asked when she was young, but had never been satisfactorily answered.

" _You have to hate me Azula. Hate me with all your might."_

Those words echoed around her brain as though it had been only yesterday that her intelligent older brother had told them to her, when in fact it had been almost four years since that fateful meeting between them.

And as much as she hated to admit it, she hadn't figured it out yet. Pondering the possible answers whenever she had a spare moment, or when she lay in her bed late at night, trying to fall asleep, but she still hadn't gotten it.

There was a niggling suspicion in the back of the princess's head that there was a sinister plot, a whole other world behind the one that she had known when she had grown up. Her dream was proof of this…

What had her dream been, anyway? She couldn't remember most of it. The details fuzzed over and blurred together until she couldn't see the difference between people. She knew that Zuko had been prominent in it… Lu Ten, her cousin, had been there briefly too.

Azula put her head in her hands and closed her eyes, trying to see, but to no avail. The dream was gone, slipped away like a shooting star, and probably never to return.

The fire nation princess suddenly jerked her head up and narrowed her eyes. What was she doing? She didn't need to dwell on silly little trifles like a dream when she had to be focusing on catching her family.

Her good-for-nothing brother and her tea-loving uncle. She scorned them, openly mocked them now. Her friends were used to it, as were the sailors on board her ship. It was almost as though they tuned her out when she started to insult the two, because they had heard the same thing so often.

"I'm coming for you Zuko," she told the night. Azula walked over to a window and opened it before watching the sea pass by leisurely as they sailed. The moon was out, only a sliver of it showing, as there were clouds covering most of it. "I'm coming."

She smirked and told herself that she should go back to bed, but her legs wouldn't move. The breeze caressed her face gently, and the salty smell filled her nose, relaxing her. A few droplets of water splashed up onto her cheeks, but she quickly brushed them away.

Without knowing it, her mind starting to process everything that her dream had awoken inside of her, things that she hadn't thought about in years, things that she had even forgotten about now rose to the surface.

Why her brother had wanted her to pretend to hate him? Well, so that she would actually start to hate him later. But why? She had pretty much answered that herself. Because their parents wanted them to hate each other, to go as far as  _needing_ them to hate each other. But then why did their parents want the siblings to hate each other?

Azula shook her head. That topic was the heart of the matter, the thing that, every time you answered something, more questions appeared, and it seemed that for every one you answered two more popped up. Then you were submerged in things that needed answers that you couldn't give, so they bounced around your head until you wanted to scream. That had happened to the princess before, but not recently.

So what about something else troubling. How Zuko had known about the Agni Kai with their father. That was impossible… wasn't it? But Azula had no access to her brother's brain, and couldn't get this answer either.

What really happened to their mother, and how was she tied into the whole plot? Azula knew she was somehow; and she knew that Zuko knew what happened to her, but he had never told her. What was he so desperate to keep her from? Surely it was nothing that she couldn't handle.

What did Uncle Iroh have to do with it, and how he did manage to get into the situation? This Azula was certain of too, but what he did she didn't know. Why had he been willing to stand up for Zuko, and go with him while his nephew was banished? It made no sense. He would have to give up everything.

Azula seemed to wake up out of a daze. She shook her head, bangs swinging and opened her eyes. She felt anger rising inside of her; anger at her pathetic brother, who still kept her up, worrying her, making her think about her childhood.

She took a deep breath and separated the chi in the air. It was very easy by now, and it only took a few moments. Her index and middle fingers were extended as she brought her arms around her head in half moons. Then with an almighty push of power, blue lightning crackled out of her fingers, leaving them smoking and almost too hot to bear.

The lightning flew through the air and fizzled out a few seconds later, leaving a burning smell in its wake. Azula smirked.  _Zuko can't do that._

But the thoughts were still there, the questions still unanswered. The princess slammed the window shut, hearing a crack when it hit the frame.

It was the stupid wind, and the sea, and the salt air, and the moonlight that was making her lightheaded and unfocused. All the water tribe voodoo was distracting her from what she should be doing right then, which was getting a good night's sleep and being able to rise with the sun like any normal firebender.

Azula mentally lashed out at the water and the moon for making her wonder, for making her think. She was going back to her childhood, loving the night when she should like the day better. Loving the night because that was when she would see  _Zuko_ -

Azula shattered her own train of thought by throwing a fireball at the metal wall of her room, causing a scorch mark to be left there. There was a rage in her that couldn't be satisfied by just mindlessly burning things, but the princess didn't know how else to get rid of it.

She lay down on her bed and shut her eyes roughly, blocking out the moonlight and whatever else was outside her window. But she couldn't block out the sounds of the ocean slapping gently against the side of the metal ship, lulling her.

Or at least, trying to. It reminded her of waterbenders, and she couldn't get to sleep with them on her mind. Azula rolled over and buried her face in her pillow. She would never admit any of this to her workers, or to Mai and Ty Lee. No one could ever know about her doubts.

A headache was starting to grow, thudding dully, starting in the back and making its way to the front of her skull. All that contemplating had caused this relentless pounding to start.

Azula sat up in her bed, considering. Abruptly, she left her cabin and padded quietly through the halls, up onto the deck. No one was up, except for the captain and a few others, but they wouldn't be able to see her here; she was on the back deck.

The princess began her routines, practicing, training and pretending that foes were her brother or uncle, or even any stupid waterbenders that were keeping her awake and forcing her to think deeply about silly little things.

That was another thing that she would never let anybody know; that she still pretended enemies were there. Little children did that, or undignified people, not a princess of the Fire Nation. But right now, she needed to take out her anger on somebody.

More often than not she would use her lightning. She didn't know how this became the preferred weapon for her, instead of the more widely used orange flames. Perhaps it was because she practiced it so much to be perfect that it became comfortable and familiar. That wasn't unusual; everything in her life went that way. Pretending to hate Zuko…

No! She wasn't supposed to be thinking about that, which was part of the reason why she was out here in the middle of the night! Over examining tiny little details! Azula shook her head, something that was happening more and more often as of late.

\-------------------------------------

"Princess Azula?" a voice asked.

The princess was still out on deck, leaning on the railing and staring out to her left at the rising sun. Only a sliver was above the horizon, like the moon last night, and it was a bright orange-yellow. The sky around it was stained many different colors, pink, purple, blue.

Azula's eyes were glassy and there were bags underneath them. She stood there, not blinking, not moving, and hardly breathing.

"Princess Azula?" the captain asked again. He had found her this way at five in the morning, and she hadn't moved since. He was beginning to become worried.

Her head slowly turned to face him, but her golden eyes seemed to look through him, to something beyond. "Waterbending…" she murmured.

The captain backed away slowly and walked with as much dignity as he could back to the people who were waiting for his commands. He had always heard that the royal family in the Fire Nation was crazy, and apparently that rumor was true. His mother had warned him not to go into the army…


	3. Interrogating

He wasn't there. He was there, but he wasn't really  _there_. That didn't make any sense. But she knew that it was true.

It was just another day where they were listening to a Dai Lee agent talk about the petty little "battles" they had won against the people of Ba Sing Se, bringing them even closer to complete domination of the earth kingdom capitol.

Zuko was staring with unconcealed distaste at the man, and Azula noticed this easily. She blinked angrily, and sent the agent away with an impatient wave of her hand. She softly put the tips of her fingers together and closed her eyes.

Mai and Ty Lee were out doing errands; they each had their own ways of winning people over, and both methods worked efficiently, so Azula sent them out more often than ever now.

Zuko rose sedately from his chair and walked out of the room. The princess registered that, listening with sharp ears to the sound of his feet echoing on the floors and bouncing around the large rooms in the palace. She waited for him to leave the throne room completely before standing up and following him.

He shut his door quietly, and Azula hesitated for a few moments before entering his room. He was where she expected him to be, sitting in front of his infuriating candles and  _breathing_. It was like a drug to him, and he came back to it every day, no matter what had happened earlier.

"What do you want Azula?"

She didn't stop to marvel at how he knew it was her; she had been silent. She settled on his soft bed, watching his back as he continued to breathe and make the flames expand and fall again in synchronization to his breath.

"Your mind is elsewhere, Zuko," she told him, unconsciously matching his inhales and exhales, the slowness calming her unnaturally.

"Your mind is here," he shrugged. She glared at his back out lined in the pale, warm light. "What's the difference?"

Ignoring this, Azula approached him, wanting to know herself why she was here. "What are you thinking about? Our dear old uncle, in a cell? Our father, perhaps? Or… me?" the last question was more of a statement than a question.

This got Zuko's attention. He spun to face his sister. "What makes you think that you're on everyone's mind all the time, Azula? Feel like you're special?" his voice was harsh, showing a fraction of the hate that she mutually felt for him.

So he had been thinking about her. "I am though. You know that, but you don't know how it feels, being a failure. Of course, you regained your  _honor_ after joining me, but how could you possibly tell that to anyone else?" her eyes flashed, knowing that she had just won some sort of battle between the two.

"Shut up, Azula. You don't know what you're talking about." His voice was growing steadily quieter, a sign that it was about to get very loud in here, and very violent.

"I don't? I don't know what I'm talking about? Well then why don't you…  _explain_ it to me!" she growled at him. The space between the siblings was barely there anymore, and their wills were pushing against the other.

Zuko turned his back on her, suddenly, and went to a closet, rummaging about until he found what he was looking for. Azula was too shocked to move. She just stood stock still, watching him. It was so unlike him, that all she could think was, 'Wait… he was just standing there,' something so unintelligent that she mentally slapped herself.

Her brother returned with some sort of root in his hand. It was small and stringy, and looked distinctly unpleasant. A smell was wafting to her nose from it. It wasn't bad, exactly, just strange.

Azula stared at it. Zuko stared at her. And the root just sat in his open palm, not moving.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well what is it?"

At this Zuko grinned ever so slightly. He dumped it into her own hand that she hadn't realized was outstretched until she received that plant. "Eat it," he told her, face once more becoming solemn.

"What?!"

"Eat it, Azula,"

"No!"

Their flint hard eyes stared each other down until Zuko took back the root. Azula gazed at him triumphantly. That was, until he started approaching her with a predatory look on his face.

"What are you do-?" she began to ask before he jumped onto her, tackling and pinning her to the floor before she had time to react. He wrenched her jaw open and shoved the squiggly root in before letting it slam shut again, sending a sharp pain through her mouth.

Much to Azula's displeasure, she automatically chewed and swallowed before thinking about what she was doing- very unlike her. Those candles from before must have been messing with her mind, or reactions, or something of the like.

Zuko lifted himself off of her, allowing his younger sister to sit up, waiting for something to happen and glaring daggers at her brother, who had just taken advantage of her surprise.

"What did I just eat?" she asked dangerously, wanting desperately to shoot lightning at him but restraining herself rather well, in her opinion.

"Mortroot," Zuko replied easily, sitting on his bed and looking down at her from where she hadn't moved. "It's a rare plant found in the southern Earth Kingdom. It has special properties. Such as, whoever takes it will forget what happens for the amount of time that they are "intoxicated" with it." He evenly met her outraged gaze as she mouthed like a Koi Fish.

"What?!" Azula finally shrieked, devastated at this little piece of information. "I'm not going to remember any of this later?" she glanced around hurriedly, as though trying to burn the images into her brain. Then, she suspiciously looked at him sideways. "Why did you give it to me?"

"Do you want to know what else Mortroot does?" he asked, almost crowed.

"No," she mumbled, holding her head in her hands.

Zuko told her anyway. "Taken in large quantities as you have, it can also let the person remember things they had forgotten, for that same amount of time. Then you will go back to not knowing any of it."

"Zuko, why did you make me eat this?" the princess asked, a hysterical note in her voice that could barely be heard. But he caught it. He was her brother, after all.

"Because Azula," he told her. "You're going to get answers."

And for the third time in five minutes, she couldn't think of one thing to say to this. It all seemed so surreal. Her brother, a herb, and answers. None of this would ever happen in real life. 'Maybe it's a dream,' she thought to herself.

Zuko knew what her silence meant. "You're going to ask me questions. I'm going to answer them. Anything at all, anything you want, and I'll tell you Azula."

This was so unlike him. He hated her. He wanted his honor. He could be cowed by her whenever she felt like she needed him to be. He was not cool and collected, was not giving away answers. Did not like her in the least!

"Anything?" her voice was horrifyingly hoarse and weak sounding.

He nodded his affirmation, and leaned back against the wall, still on his bed, waiting for the stream of inquiries that he knew would have to come eventually. He was offering her something that would never happen normally, and being the princess conqueror she was, she would seize this opportunity, even though she wouldn't remember it later.

Azula stood up and began pacing the room. She looked at though she had forgotten that she wouldn't remember anything. Maybe she was just trying to analyze the situation. Whatever it was, it was making her unusually quiet.

"So… what was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you when you were younger?" she asked almost tentatively.

Zuko answered immediately, although color rose to his face where some usually wasn't. "I was firebending in front of the soldiers housed in the palace for a bit, and my pants fell down." He looked at the ground.

Azula sat down and laughed, clutching her stomach and rolling back and forth on the ground. She hadn't remembered that episode, but as soon as he detailed it, the picture came flooding back, and she could see how everything had played out. The princess had laughed much this way that day as well.

"So, you're really going to tell me?" she asked him once she had finished howling with contempt and amusement at her disgruntled brother.

He crossed his arms. "Yeah, but if I were you I wouldn't waste my time asking me about stupid things like that, and start asking me real questions that you've always wanted answers to. Because I am not doing this for you again."

"Why did you do this in the first place?" she asked, not delving right into the heart of the matter at first. She was almost testing him, seeing how far he was willing to go with this little explanation of his.

"Because I am sick and tired of you whining about it to me, even now. Because you won't remember anything later, and it's time for  _me_  to mess with  _your_  mind. Because even though I don't like you, I'm related to you," a shiver involuntarily made its way down his spine at this statement.

"Okay…" Azula agreed with that last. "So…?" Where to start? There was so much that she wanted to know, but not nearly enough time to fit it into one bout of question-answering. But it did seem like Zuko was going to go all the way, so she might as well get started.

"Why, when we were little, did you want me to hate you? I do now," and she smiled satisfactorily at this. "But why back then?"

Zuko sighed. "You don't waste time beating around the bush, did you?" he scratched his head, wondering where  _he_ should begin.

"Father never liked me much, even before you came. There was a couple of times, but other than that…" he shook his head and continued. "Mother was who I went to, because she would love me, and take care of me, and watch over me when Father wouldn't.

"I used to think that it was because of this that they wanted us to hate each other. But I was wrong.

"Mother approved of the war, yes, in a half- kind of way. She did think that we should rule the world, and we know that it's right. But she didn't want all of this fighting and killing to happen, but she didn't know how to stop Father. He was always a violent kind of person, and we saw this many times."

Azula said nothing, but sat on the bed next to her brother and watched him, fiddling with the bed sheets as she listened. Everything he said she basically already knew- except for the part about their mother. But Azula had always assumed she was a traitor. However, the princess had a feeling that this was going to get a lot wilder.

"Uncle, you know, was always secretly against it the whole time. I remember when I was little, and he was back from the war for a couple of weeks, he would basically just pour over books in the library, and do nothing else. I think that's where he got all of his theories about 'the balance' and stuff from."

"So, mom and Uncle Iroh got together, and they started talking. Originally, the group was going to a be a small thing, collecting people, having meetings in secret, and maybe giving some healing to those who needed it, even if it was just from our side. But the whole thing grew, and it turned into a huge organization, with Mother and Uncle as a few of the leaders.

"That was why I needed that information on what Father was telling you. Children are the future, and if you can bend them one way, they will grow up that way. They needed all the information about Father's side as they could get, so they knew how to counter or partially diffuse their next move."

Azula looked like she was about to protest, or at least interrupt, but Zuko held up his hand, and for once his sister listened to him, staying silent and waiting for him to continue with his narrative, a whole other side of their life that she hadn't known.

"Father had already labeled me as a lost cause. So he wanted to turn you into the perfect warmonger child, and he was starting to do that. I really didn't want it to happen, but there was something going on that I didn't want to happen even more.

"Mother and Father had been having bigger and bigger arguments, and many times it involved us. Mother wanted us to grow up as normal kids, but Father wanted us to become what he wanted to have for the war. The only reason I have a feeling that Mother stayed was because of me.

"There were many threats that I heard tossed between the two of them. I'll kill your parents, I'll torture your court, I'll dismiss your advisors, I'll turn the country against you. They all scared me, because I was just a little kid. But it got worse and worse. And finally it turned into something so horrible I didn't want to think about it.

"Mother said that you were spending too much time with me, and Father agreed. Well, only if you were actually having fun with me. If you were making me feel worse, it was okay. Mother thought that this wasn't such a great idea, because I'd already been judged by him, and my confidence needed a boost, or something." Zuko waved one of his hands, a faraway look in his eyes as he remembered.

Azula found herself holding her breath. To hear Zuko talk about this so casually, like it was an everyday thing, was frightening, although she would never admit that to herself. Maybe it was because they weren't close anymore, and it seemed like more of a history lesson than their lives. Whatever the cause, the feeling was foreign.

"Mother threatened to kill you if you got too close to me, because you were being influenced by our father too much. She was dead serious about this." He turned to face her, this time actually seeing what he looked at.

Azula's golden eyes widened, and she slid away from him on the bed, mind reeling. He had just spieled this off, but it sounded so real to her, even in the quiet, almost cold voice he was using to tell the story.

"I didn't want that to happen. I told myself we had to hate each other. Our parents encouraged this, if only in private, so others couldn't see it. I knew that if we kept at it long enough, it would turn into real feelings, so I made you do it. Now look where it's got us."

He gestured with his hands around the room, eyes taking in every inch of the place, as though starving for something that he could never have. "Here," he answered himself, almost bitterly.

Azula still said nothing. She was remembering times that had been stored at the back of her mind, pushed away because she hadn't wanted to see them.

\---

_Her mother, lying on the floor, bleeding as their father stood over her. She looked up at him with fearful eyes, and listened to him talking in a dangerously quiet voice._

" _Stay away from Azula, woman. I don't want you to taint her, turn her soft like that pitiful excuse of a son…"_

\---

_Shouting was coming from her parents' room. She crept closer, her knees hurting from being pressed to the floor for so long. Was this what Zuko had never wanted her to hear?_

" _You can't do this to our children! You're killing them, Ozai!"_

" _You stay out of this! If you don't, Zuko will pay in your stead."_

" _You touch my son, and I will personally push you off our balcony."_

_Disdainful silence._

" _And keep that horrid child away from him! If she touches him at all, I will kill her, Ozai, I swear I will."_

\---

" _Zuko, can you come and play with me?" she ran up to her older brother, a huge smile on her face, tiny legs pumping as she tried to reach him, and a soft, soothing pattering coming from them._

" _Shhhh, Azula!" he scolded her in a hushed voice, standing right by the throne room. He turned back to the door, pressing an ear against it._

_She tried to copy him, but only got to hear something that sounded like, "… the Northern stronghold…" before Zuko pushed her away._

" _Go away, Azula," he told her, giving her another shove. Her toddler eyes showed hurt, but she obeyed him, wondering why he didn't like her today._

\---

" _I love you, Azula…" Iroh's large face appeared above her, a sad twinkle in his eyes. He brushed some hair out of her face and smiled sorrowfully, watching her chest move rhythmically up and down._

_The princess was only half asleep, and she saw him, trying to say that she loved him too, but she was too tired, and hovering in between the world of waking and dreams._

" _Oh, the war that you must live through. I'm afraid my brother will never be able to raise you as a normal child, and I cannot stop him. Oh, my dear Azula, what you will grow to be."_

\---

Azula's eyes fluttered open. She hadn't realized that they were closed, and stared at her brother, wondering where he had found this root that made her see these things as though she were living them again.

He took the look in her eyes as a sign to continue. Now his voice grew harsh, as though he, too, was remembering something that he had tried to block out of his memory, because of the pain.

"And then something happened that would ruin our lives forever…"


	4. Answering

Azula lay on the ground, panting. All her senses were working- that was a good thing. But cold sweat drenched her body, and somehow she was on the floor, instead of sitting on the bed where she had started. Her fists were clenched, long nails biting into her palms hard enough to draw blood.

Looking up, she saw that her brother was sitting calmly over her, waiting for the hallucinatory memories to dissipate completely. He seemed too relaxed and in control of the situation, contrary to the turmoil that Azula felt inside.

The princess sat up, and immediately realized that that was a bad idea. Her head spun, and the breakfast that she had recently eaten lurched in her stomach. A pounding began in the back of her skull and she bit her lip.

"What have you done to me?" she asked him softly, her voice cold.

He grinned. "You're right Azula… it does feel good to mess with other people's minds. Maybe I should take a leaf out of your book, and try it more often."

Azula felt fury rising in her until she almost couldn't contain it. She stood, ignoring the protests of her body and tried to produce lightning, push the energy out of her fingertips, and guiding it to her brother.

… And it didn't work.

Azula stared in disbelief at her hands. Her brother should be a crisp right now, screaming as she burnt him with her blue fire. What was wrong? The princess asked herself, rage mounting. Why can't I make lightning!?

Zuko looked confused too, until a memory awoke in his mind. "You're angry, Azula." He told her gleefully. "You're too angry to make lightning."

"That's absurd." There was no other way that she could possibly answer that nonsense.

He shook his head. "No, it's not. Lightning is cold firebending, remember? It doesn't come from emotion like rage or passion. It just… happens…"

Azula ran at him. She jumped, landing with her knees in his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. Nimble hands with long fingernails itched to be around his neck, squeezing and squeezing until there was no life left in him.

Zuko grabbed her forearms and tried to fend his sister off while regaining his breath. He rolled, and the two landing on the floor on their sides, still scrambling to be the ones in control. Again Azula kneed him in the gut and he gasped for air, seeing spots in front of his eyes.

She ripped one hand out of his grip and threw a punch at his nose but he caught the fist. Quickly holding it with both hands, he began to twist her arm around until she bit her lip so hard that it bled, to keep from crying out.

"Azula, listen to me." He panted. "Don't you want to hear the rest of what happened to us?"

She growled in reply. "I don't want to hear any more! I don't want to know!"

With a surge of strength, Zuko thrust them forward so that he was sitting on top of her, and pinned her arms to her sides. He leered down at her like a predator, and said firmly, "Well, I'm going to tell you anyways."

She stopped struggling and stared at him icily. Golden eyes met like, and they didn't break apart from each other when Zuko began to speak, telling the rest of his story.

"Father has watchers to watch the watchers. He had spies for the spies, and insiders on the inside of the insiders. Since Mother and Uncle's organization grew to be so big, there was no way that they could have kept it secret. It was amazing that it did stay secret as long as it did.

"When Father found out… well… you know Father. He only knew about Mother at that point, and so he sent for her. She went and he tortured her, but she didn't give anyone's names." There was a proud half-smile on Zuko's face.

"Mother knew that Father was going to kill her. He needed to, now that he knew what she was a part of. So she escaped, in the middle of the night. She ran, after talking to Uncle, and giving me a cryptic phrase to remember her by." His voice was very bitter, as though the memory had happened only yesterday.

"That left you and me for Father alone to raise, and he planned to take full advantage of that. But I never forgot what Mother told me." He looked away. "He had given up on me, and you can't outright banish your son for no reason at all, even in the Fire Nation. So he just found an excuse."

Zuko sat up, off of Azula, eyes cast downwards. She stayed where he left her, not bothering to move, not even thinking about how boring the ceiling was. She just mulled over everything that her brother had announced to her.

It was all unexpected, but she should have expected it. All these years she had wondered, wondered about her brother and her messed up family, and everything in between. Now she had the answers, and she wasn't sure that she liked them.

She could also remember scenes from when she was little, but… no, she didn't want to see them anymore!

It was getting hard to concentrate. Her thoughts whirled through her head, and she could feel heat pressing in on her from all sides. She supposed it was rage, like she had felt before, but she was surprisingly cool-headed. That was right, was it?

"Zuko…" she gasped, closing her eyes and feeling beads of sweat roll down her face. "Zuko… why is it so hot in here? Are you lighting a fire, or something…?" she gasped, feeling pain curl in her abdomen.

His face appeared above hers, features blurry. Azula couldn't even tell if he was smiling or not. All she could really pick out were two pinpricks of gold that she guessed were his eyes. Or were they? It was getting harder to think.

"Whoops, my mistake, Azula. Did I tell you that enough Mortroot to give you memories is also enough to kill you? I didn't? I'm sorry, I guess I forgot to mention that little detail."

It felt as though someone was trying to squeeze her lungs out of her body. Azula squirmed, desperately wanting to fill her lungs with the air that would not come. Her temperature was still rising, and she could feel it searing through her skin.

The princess didn't have enough strength to say something to her brother, but she felt the betrayal and fury very clearly, although all her mind could focus on was how much she hurt.

"It's a slow and painful death." Zuko commented, resting lightly on the bed and watching his younger sister writhe on the floor. He smirked half-heartedly. "You know, even if you hadn't wanted answers this would have happened anyways."

A malicious grin, one to rival Azula's, twisted his features. "I'm going to sit here, and I'm going to watch you die, Azula."

She tried to lash out at him, but curled up into a ball when it sent an excruciating amount of pain to her stomach. Her eyes were scrunched up tight, and she chewed on the inside of her cheek, tasting the metallic flavor of her own blood.

Her brother eyed her, explaining his entire plan. "After you've died, I'm going to go and free Uncle Iroh from his cell in the dungeons. Some of the Dai Lee are at this moment taking care of Mai and Ty Lee."

He sighed. "I didn't know if they would turn on me or not, but no taking any chances, right?" he smiled at her in an almost brotherly way.

"We knew this would both happen sometime, didn't we? Well, it's just sooner than later, that's all. It was nice telling you everything, Azula."

He stood up and began to walk away. Blackness was eating at the edges of her vision (if you could call it vision anymore), and the pain had reached an unbearable level. The heat was eating her from the inside out, and her clothes were now soaked with sweat. Her black hair stuck to her face as she moaned quietly, fists clenching.

"Oh, and by the way." He turned back while taking something out of a pocket in his robes. It was a knife, the one with the inscription on it.  _Never give up without a fight._ He looked at it almost with disgust, as though remembering something unpleasant.

"Do you remember this?" he waved it in front of her face, but Azula could barely see anything at all. "You used to always try and take it from me. Well, I'm a kind person… it's yours now."

He softly tucked it into one of her clenched fists.


End file.
